Casting my mind back to the days prior to making HIGH RISK late last century in fact.
The day it happened was a perfect day in leafy over privileged inner suburbia”.
There was the father in law loading up the trailer with the few things needed from the old life;
And in a moment they will get in his car.
The wife and the kids and just about everything of any meaning,
Will cruise sedately down the driveway and out of my life FOREVER.
And the home you had will turn into a museum,
Things will remind you of moments and moments will remind you of things.
You just know that your are the worst boy in the school of life and that the headmaster is gonna expel you;
And all the things you could have done and didn’t will haunt you FOREVER.
Not only that but you won’t even have ashamed parents to return to.
And where you live was a home and is now just a house you can barely afford to rent;
You will have only yourself to blame.
Only yourself to console yourself…
So there it was
Knowing myself to be a miserable failure. Feeling deeply hurt and terrified but……..
Also knowing a deep peace.
The deep peace of Reha (the feeling of knowing that you live forever and that you are loved by your creator.)
It didn’t come from me.
Why does it take twenty years for me to be able to recognise it?
Because at the time and for many years after it was way too painful to really think about.
My own sense of failure was too great to allow any acknowledgement of the absolute
But the thing I did do is start working on an album.
It was possible thanks to a friend who put up the money.
He never turns up these days but perhaps he doesn’t need to.
Perhaps he felt he needed to at least help me get my confidence in writing back.
And I discovered one thing for sure. When you are in despair that is the time to express yourself.
As Malcolm says IMPRESSION WITH0UT EXPRESSION = DEPRESSION
The song – Small Town starts off at this point. Have a listen by clicking play below. You may download this song for free or pay more as you wish. The full ‘High Risk’ album is $10 or more if you want to.
Am I doing alright
To settle down
In a small town
I don’t want to leave the city
& make me blue
thinking of the pity
of doing it like you
you know you don’t care now
what it is that I do
you’re a fashion designer
I see the labelling
“I don’t want to leave the city”
“It would make me blue”
if I ever left the city
until I make
a million or two
“Things will remind you of moments and moments will remind you of things.”